WATCH THIS. WATCH THIS. WATCH THIS. (especially those of us with anxiety)
F**k Yeah Anxiety Disorders of the Day: Catalina Ferro delivers a hilarious ode to the anguish of anxiety at the NYC Urbana Poetry Slam back in June — her Anxiety Group is intensely funny, and probably hits home for way more than are willing to admit it.
I had a panic attack; brought on by the overwhelming anxiety that Hannah was coming over for dinner.
Hannah. One of my closest friends in the world. My roommate for two years. The woman who helped change my appendicitis bandages. A person who’s been a positive presence in my life since I moved to this city…HANNAH, who doesn’t have a judgmental bone in her body, just coming over for dinner caused me to panic. Like, really, heartstoppingly, panic.
This is how it goes. Chronic anxiety is something I struggle with every single day. Fortunately with time, I’ve learned to keep it (mostly) at bay. However, this isn’t always the case.
My rational self, the one who most of you (the interwebs) know, can get locked so deep inside the solitary confinement of anxiety riddled depression that I can’t even see how irrational the fears that grip me actually are.
Depression is a slippery little sucker. The thoughts and the darkness, the sheer and utter self loathing feels so…justified. So…organic. So real. It plays on my insecurities…the nerdy self-awareness, my mutilated nails, the paralyzing fear of losing myself and my ambitions to “becoming corporate”. It puts on such a spectacular showing that I am unwaveringly goaded into believing the judgment and loathing are coming from the outside, rather than within.
I’ve hid under humor and bottles of wine. I’ve felt ashamed. I’ve sobbed that I was still an epic loser with nothing to show for my life. I flagellated myself for letting down those around me, all the while letting them drift further and further away, under a darkness that was threatening to take me down like a tidal wave.
Asking for help (now over 5 years ago) was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Letting go of the denial and terrible feelings I’d stuffed was so hard and physically painful at times. Adjusting to medication, explaining my illness to others and learning my triggers is still an uphill climb.
That said, I got help. And you can too. Depression and anxiety might make you feel like you’ll never find your way out, but you will. I promise, no matter what that nasty little voice inside your head is saying, you will feel better.
Give her a large, not-decaffeinated, cup of coffee, a bottle of Clorox bleach and a scrub brush.
I swear by all things holy, by the end of today, there will not be ONE GODDAMN BIT of bacteria in my house. NOT ONE.
Anxiety Disorder - I haz it.
I am not against taking medication, although I keep it in check with regular exercise, sleep (when I can get it) and knowing my triggers. This stuff, my friends, has helped A LOT. I think a lot of us out there in Tumblr-world have medication they take to help cope, just know you’re not alone.